And I just want you to know, as your manager,
I'm entitled to 20 percent of those things going forward.
Are you going up tonight?
Well, not here, obviously. But um...
I do the alt scene a little bit.
I know this is weird for a comedian to say,
but I'm not used to laughing.
He's funny, right?
He'll be funny in three years.
My dad just told me,
"If you want something, you got to ask for it."
- But... - Your dad sounds like an idiot.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA, I don't know if...
- They still have NACA? - They still have NACA.
NACA changed my life.
I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan...
That's what NACA did for me.
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
We're right here.
Babe, you all right?
Yeah. You're making sprinkler sounds with your mouth.
Yeah, I'm...
I'll calm down when I see the venue.
If that makes sense?
Like you said it's 300 people,
That's way bigger than I've performed for.
So, when I see the stage, I think I'll calm down a little bit.
Remember? You're good. We've worked on these jokes.
The NACA showcase is, like, no big deal.
Just do your act, make them laugh,
and I'm sure you'll book a lot of colleges.
So relax, and enjoy our ride to Philadelphia.
- Thank you. - Okay.
- I will. - I mean, you can't trust her
'cause you guys are fucking.
All right.
Uh, hey, can you not look at your phone while we're driving?
No, I got it. I do this all the time.
Right, but you shouldn't, 'cause it's illegal and dangerous.
It's basically like drinking and driving.
I actually put it in my phone, too,
so I can navig... I'm happy to navigate.
You guys talking is actually distracting me more,
- so I'm just trying to focus on... - On killing us?
I can only do two things at once...
You're focusing on trying to murder us
- by being obstinate. - I'm just trying to keep it simple,
phone and road.
Just look forward. Just look... I got it.
You're supposed to go straight.
- We're supposed to go straight. - We got one more.
One more what?
You have... Someone else is coming?
Yeah, we're picking somebody up.
Hey!
Is that Melissa Villasenor?
You rep Melissa Villasenor from SNL?
Yeah, I rep a lot of people you don't know about.
My finger is in many pots.
- Ew. - Hi!
Melissa, you can, uh, you can have shotgun.
- Oh, thanks. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's nice. Thank you.
- Coming back. - Aah!
Sorry! Got it?
- Pete, be careful, wow. - I got it.
- It's a nice bag. - Thanks.
I just wanna say you're, uh, my favorite part of SNL right now, really.
- Aw. - I think you're sensational.
Your Owen Wilson, it's like...
And David, uh, Pumpkins. Mr. Pumpkins.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - David S. Pumpkins.
- Yeah, thanks. - That's one of my favorites.
Just relax. She just sat down.
She seems okay with it.
Okay.
I've never, uh, met a cast member before.
I... I really think you're the next Kristen Wig
but with better impressions.
- Aw. - I just think you're phenomenal.
What's it like working with Lorne?
He's a funny one.
Hey, what did you do for your audition?
Oh, I did a lot of, mainly, impressions.
Like Christina Aguilera was one of my first singing impressions.
It was just one really one letter, you know, just...
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Whoa! Yeah! ♪
Really fills the car. Fills the car with joy.
- It's so good! - Thanks.
I've been working on Malkovich.
Mm!
Which is just... "I'm better. I'm stronger.
I'm faster." It's just overenunciating.
"I'm here in the car.
My vagina is here."
What would Christina Aguilera sound like singing a lullaby?
And she'd wake up the baby.
"What the hell is this shit?"
Oh, it's so good!
...all the world, I made it all the way to NACA.
This hotel, it's insane. It's so wild.
Gonna be gramming, snapping all week. Gonna be a good time!
I gotta get on Snapchat.
Yeah, apparently.
- Name? - Uh, Woods.
- Here for NACA? Great. - Yes.
Three people in a standard double for one night.
- Yeah. - Great.
Sir, are they with you?
No.
Well, uh, two... one... Uh, two of them are.
The other guy is... he's staying somewhere else.
Okay, because the maximum is three.
Uh, you're allowed only three in the same room.
Because we have a lot of people abusing our extra guest policy.
I wouldn't do that. I would never abuse a policy.
never abuse policies.
Okay.
And, uh... how many keys would you like?
Uh, let me do four.
Great.
And, uh, we're gonna need a cot.
Melissa, what is that stuff?
That's my sleep mask,
my noise-canceling headphones, and my white noise machine.
So, what do you play in the headphones?
Brown noise.
Hmm.
- I need some dinner. - Oh, man, me too.
- Can I come? - Sure.
Do you want anything?
Mm, I'm okay.
- Melissa? - I'm good, thanks.
The elevator's this way.
Hey, I'm glad you came.
We need to talk about your college act.
What do you mean? I don't really have a college act.
I just have my act.
Yeah, that's the problem, okay? These kids are super sensitive.
You never know what's gonna set 'em off.
You grew up in the '80s, when everybody thought bullying
was a hilarious and just normal part of life.
Okay, so, well, like, what?
- Don't talk about abortion. - Have you seen my act?
Yeah. No more gypping, okay?
You don't wanna talk about gypsies or really any type of group
from any area. You don't wanna talk about sex, okay?
- Okay, fine. - Don't talk about rape.
Don't talk about overdosing, no suicide, no fire...
- none of that. - So, what am I supposed to talk about?
Just talk about the absurdities of the world
or like, make an observation,
and then talk about what's weird about it.
I... That's vague.
Just do, like, uh, do, like, "there's always one guy" stuff.
- What is that? - There's always one guy at the office
who's always got a hat on.
Always got a hat on?
I don't have any kids,
but doesn't it kind of feel like I do?
I'm kind of like a fun dad,
the dad you see at a barbecue.
Fresca.
- Let's get up. Big day! - No, no.
Obviously, we don't want any of you to feel censored
in any way, but I strongly encourage,
if your creativity or banter within your performances
skews towards things like
assault, rape, suicide, race,
kindly steer that ship right on over to somewhere else.
Or fire. He said don't talk about fire.
If they would bleep it on The Big Bang Theory, don't do it. Okay?
When I was a kid, I always eating Bubble Tape.
You guys remember Bubble Tape?
Oh my... Yes, right?
It's so good. It's like the best gum.
You know, and what's awesome about Bubble Tape,
instead of it being, like, individually wrapped little pieces,
like, "Oh, ooh, I gotta put the gum in an envelope,"
like, what is this, like, a post office or something?
Bubble Tape, though, Bubble Tape was just
one, like, long-ass piece o'gum!
Long-ass piece o' gum!
I would just bite into that thing like a hockey puck.
Ohm! More for me!
I was like a Cookie Monster but with Bubble Tape.
I was like... Ohm, nom, nom, nom!
All right, y'all. Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Clay Dayton!
♪ Watch me whip watch me nae nae ♪
You guys know what's up.
All right, are you guys ready for your next act?
Please give it up for the lovely and talented
Ali Reissen!
Oh my God!
Thank you! Oh my God,
it's so good to be here.
So you guys are in college, that's pretty chill.
Yeah? You guys got roommates?
Yeah!
Yeah, that's a whole thing.
I had a roommate in college,
she would always walk around naked, you know?
She would always refer to her breasts as "the twins."
Which I thought was funny, 'cause, I'm like, I've seen the twins,
and they're fraternal.
Um...
I was like, I don't know if the left one
is from the same father, you know?
She was like, "What do you mean?"
I'm like, "The left one's black," and, um...
Colleges are scary now, though,
like, you got a lot of activities, obviously.
You can get involved in so many things.
Uh, let's see, sports, theater, rape is pretty big.
Um...
Yeah, I mean, you know, if you're a girl, and you go to a frat party,
like, there is a chance that you could get roofied.
Um, which... Yeah, don't laugh at that, 'cause it's fucked.
But, uh, yeah, I think... I think it's disgusting that we've shortened the word
Rohypnol to roofie, right? It's like Rohypnol,
it sounds, like, severe, 'cause it is severe, it's a rape drug.
We're like, "Mm-hm, roofie," like we made it cute...
...which is so demented. You know what I mean?
You can't take something terrible and make it sound adorable,
that's not acceptable.
Like, you would never be, like, "Yeah, my roommate",
"she was in a car crash. It's actually really sad."
"Her head got de-cappied, and, um, yeah, it's a bummer."
"It was also on 9-elevzies, which is just, like,"
"really weird timing, but it's okay, it's okay."
"The driver, he was sentenced
to, um, life in priz."
And... forev's in priz.
Thank you, guys. I'm Ali Reissen.
Have a great night. I mean, day.
- Ali Reissen! - This was exciting.
This next performer,
you may know her from Saturday Night Live!
Please welcome Melissa Villasenor!
Hey, you guys are the best!
Are you guys Shakira fans? Shakira?
Well, I don't know if you'll be now,
'cause I've figured out something, okay?
I realized, I don't think she's all that hot
if she didn't have background music.
Like, if it was just that singing voice and her dancing,
it'd be this...
♪ Camel hump ♪
♪ I want to see you in my pants ♪
♪ Oh, hello! Let me take off ♪
Woo!
Here have some pins.
Hi.
Do you want a pin?
It's my little head.
Put it on your backpack.
- We can't wait. - See you in November.
I'm coming to your guys' campuses, right?
You got to book me on your campus. Go ahead, you take a hat.
Take a hat. Think about it, right?
Hi.
- This is fun. - Mm-hmm.
Did you see the slide?
I did, yeah. It looks really fun.
There's a magician over there, he read the serial number
on a bill that I had in my wallet.
- Whoa. - He knew the number.
- Whoa. - That's crazy.
Yeah.
You did great.
This is brutal. This is... brutal.
I feel like the ugly girl at the kissing booth.
No.
You're the prettiest girl at the kissing booth.
You're not even in a booth.
Thanks for stopping by.
- She's so great! - Look forward to seeing you.
Hey! How's it going? Want a pin?
You were great.
- Thanks. - I love pins, thank you.
I'm gonna run out.
Why?
I think I'm... scaring the bookers away.
So maybe if you're just here,
they'll... "Oh, that's the girl," right?
Later.
- Ali Reissen. - All right, just go.
- From the nine a.m. show. - Okay, bye! Bye, bye, bye.
- Be right back. I'll be right back. - Okay, bye.
Oh. Cool shirt.
- Hey. - Oh.
Hi.
You know, this is all a big part of it, the mingling,
- and the, you know, meeting people. - Mm-hm.
I was also thinking, uh...
you should try to get on SNL, you know?
- Mm-hmm. - That's been huge for Melissa.
Yeah. No. It's... it's a big show for her,
and everybody who's on it.
So maybe as a next step, I think that'd be...
- That'd be good for you. - Totally.
Totally, totally, totally. Mm-hmm.
But because we had this conversation, if you do get SNL,
I get 10 percent. Just so you know, that's how it works.
Yep. Okay, you're so helpful. Thank you, this was awesome.
Great chat. Okay.
Are these really two bucks?
Yeah, they're a real steal.
- Hey, there you are. - Hey.
Any bookings?
Uh, no. Not yet.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
Uh, it's my merch.
I ran out and I got some.
"Gas it up."
Yeah. I thought it was, uh, it might work,
as, like, a catchphrase, something to help me stand out.
It's from a gas station.
So you're gonna write a joke
to match this shirt?
Yeah. It's like a sales pitch.
This is like a marketing play.
You're spiraling. Why would you do that?
- I just... - You have a great act, just do your set.
I don't know if a great act is enough.
- What do you mean? - They need laughs and a takeaway.
I'm not trying to, like, play to the back of the room.
I'm trying to get a bunch of dorks that book campus activities
to think that I'm a neat-o fella, you know?
Right.
So, like, nostalgia stuff, obviously impressions
are killing really hard... so I...
I wanna do some "remember when" stuff,
- for these guys. - Okay, well...
sounds like you have a master plan.
I'm not gonna try to mess with it.
- I mean... - Good luck with this.
- It's like a business card. - Mm-hmm.
- That you can wear. - That's... I know you're joking.
- Sassy. - We'll see who's laughing.
Keep it going for the Chicago Boys!
Are you guys ready for your next comic?
A super funny dude, put your hands together for Pete Holmes!
Hello! How's it going, NACA?
- Let me hear you say "Hey!" - Hey!
- Ho! - Ho!
- NACA! - NACA!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Yeah! You guys are good!
I love High School Musical.
You guys remember High School Musical?
That was the best.
That ruined regular basketball for me.
I would go to a regular basketball game,
I'd be like, "Why aren't you dancing?"
Don't just pass!
Flail!
What about Harry Potter? Harry Potter, that was the best!
I love Harry Potter!
Harold M. Potter.
But I think the most magical thing about all of Harry Potter
is that it made us love books.
How did they do that?
Books?
Is there anything worse than books?
And suddenly, they're like, "Oh, it's about a magical nerd."
We're like, "Give me that book!"
How many pages? A thousand?
Not enough book!
Who here has a car? Anybody have a car?
Anybody have a car? Are you out there driving?
Out there driving? Put it in drive? Put it in D?
Put it in D, baby!
I love getting gas in my car. You ever treat yourself?
You ever treat yourself and get full service?
Whoo!
Full service! You don't have to do anything!
I like to put my hands behind my head.
Gas it up.
In the road trip of life, don't go with a half tank,
go with a gas it up! Go with a gas it up!
What would happen if Arnold Schwarzenegger
had an itch on his back he couldn't reach?
He's just, like...
"Bring me the terminator hand that I might reach it!"
When he finally reaches it, "Oh, yeah."
Oh, my fucking God.
And he drives home in his Hummer, goes and gets full service,
"Gas it up!"
Gas it up! NACA, thank you so much!
Thank you!
Thank you so much! come see me in Booth five-five-zero.
Gas it up! Gas it up!
Thank you ladies. I'm so glad you enjoyed the show.
- Thank you! - It was great. Thank you.
Yes, gas... it... up!
Gas it up!
You got six so far and I'm working on more.
Six? Yes!
That's... Six times 1,100 is like...
that's almost seven grand!
Yeah, minus, uh, hotel, travel, and my 20 percent,
that's not bad for a year's work.
You're my new show pony.
I've been paying attention to the wrong horse.
I should've been sneaking into your stable.
- You're the "gas it up" guy. - Hey!
- You got this. - Yes, yes, yes.
Where do you guys go to school?
Hey. I just wanted to say,
you were my favorite.
Oh. Uh, thank you. That's really nice.
- What's your name? - Nadine.
Hi, Nadine, nice to meet you.
What school do you go to?
Uh, Earlham. Uh, you've probably never heard of it.
I... I go there, and I haven't heard of it.
That's really funny.
- Really? - Yeah. Do you do comedy?
I would, but I think I'm more, like, situational funny,
and than, like, writing funny.
- Mm-hmm. - But you were so good.
Oh. Thank you.
Like, that one bit you had about dating a mime,
I was like, oh my God.
Um... I don't...
I don't have a bit about dating a mime.
Shit, I'm... I just...
I saw so many comedians today.
- Sure. - It's... You just guys
all kind of just blurred together. You know?
Yeah.
- Uh, sorry. - It's okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
Hey.
Where'd you go? I... I was looking for you.
Everybody's down there.
Came here.
Didn't book any colleges, so I'm just, you know...
eating my feelings.
- Turkey club? - Mm-hmm.
They do avocado or...?
I don't think they have that in Philadelphia.
I booked six.
On the marketplace floor, and then I actually booked another one
just networking at the mixer.
Mm.
Don't say networking.
I'm sorry. What... What's going on?
Are you... What's happening?
You deserve it, Pete. You did everything they wanted, you know?
You were out there gassing it up.
Are you upset? At me?
I... I just did what I thought we came here to do.
We're here to book shows. We're here to make some money.
- It's not about the money. - I didn't...
It's about the craft, and this whole place is a circus.
Yeah, I... I...
You really think Chris Rock would stand out there
and wait for some teenager to validate
his existence with a precious booking?
Chris Rock doesn't work at a Cold Stone Creamery, right?
I mean, we take the opportunities as they come.
- We can't pick and choose. - Mm-hmm.
I really... I'm sorry you didn't book.
But, you know...
it's not... you didn't exactly play ball.
Excuse me?
You're up there swearing, and you told rape jokes.
Oh! I was doing my act!
- No, I know... - And it was an anti-rape joke,
if you were even listening.
Yeah, see? 'Cause, what I do is,
I use that opportunity to make young people feel less alone,
as opposed to what you did,
which was, um, take a shit on the stage.
How can you say that? We're not here to change lives.
We're here to change our lives.
They just said, don't say "rape," and you open with rape.
I don't care what they said. I know what kind of stand-up I should do!
I don't need someone else dictating my act!
Read the situation. This wasn't the time to take a stand
and try and change lives. We're trying to get work.
Do you know what it was like for me to watch
my boyfriend up there sucking NACA's dick?
We're supposed to suck NACA's dick, that's why we came here!
You came here to suck NACA's dick, suck NACA's dick!
Honestly? Honestly? You're disgusting.
I don't need advice from you on how to book, Pete, okay?
Well, I'm sorry. If you're so above this, why did you come,
if you don't wanna gas it up a little bit?
I came here to book. I came here to try to turn this into a career.
I don't wanna be a fucking open miker!
- Mm-hmm. - Do you?
Yes! That's my dream!
Okay.
I don't... Can we... Can we back this up a little bit?
I'm... I'm sorry.
Okay? I really am.
I'm sorry that it didn't go your way. I thought it would.
I thought you were great. Okay?
But, you know, I booked.
That's... That's some... That's good for us.
Listen.
I'm probably gonna need somebody to open for me, if you want to...
Someone to open for you?
- Something we can... - Fuck you!
- Come on, I... - Throw yourself on a fucking fire, Pete.
Fuck.
Hey, we leave in five.
Also, can you call downstairs and tell 'em we never got any robes?
What are you... you stealing robes?
Yeah, I take a lot of baths.
- Hey. - Hey.
We're gonna get going soon.
You okay?
Um...
Yeah, I guess, I'm fine.
You know, the first time I did a NACA, I bombed really hard.
All right.
No, I'm serious. Like, I was standing in the booth,
and there was a juggler near me and a hypnotist,
and they're just showing off,
and I was like, well, I just talk, you know?
Well, you know, things worked out for you, so...
You don't wanna be good at this thing, though.
You're not a can of Coke.
You have a different path.
There's certain comics that know this world
and... but then sometimes, they're stuck in it.
And that's kind of creepy.
What happened to your voice?
What do you mean?
I mean, you always sound like Kermit the Frog
just got kicked in the nuts.
- I guess so. - Right now, you just sound like a human.
What's up with that?
Are you doing me?
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
That's, like, such a compliment.
You're easy.
Just like someone stepped on a cat.
It's okay. I'm an acquired taste.
That's pretty good.
"All right, all right, all right.
- All right." - Is that McConaughey?
- Yeah. - That's good.
All right, I'm Matthew McConaughey.
"I'm Matthew McConaughey. Gotta find my surfboard."
Pete, you got Holy Cross.
- I did? - Congrats.
Congrats.
- Thanks. - That's awesome. Congrats.
Thanks.
Let's, uh, we can... We'll catch up later.
All right.
"The law says you cannot touch..."
see a lot of lawbreakers out there.
"I'm starting a buyer's club in Dallas."
Good news?
Yeah, you know...
It was a good, yeah.
- That's good. - "I'm a true detective..."
- Yeah. - That's awesome.
Thanks.
"All right, all right, all right."
"I gotta get through this wormhole"
"to meet my daughter and send her a message through books."
"Message, I need to send her a message through books."
"I drive a Lincoln."
- "I love a Lincoln." - "Dallas Buyers."
"People 'round here call me Mud."